Sesh number #3

This fella was a little trickier than the previous sessions for sure. I will get into that in a bit though. I wanted to start off by saying that between the BOS Program and the one on one head shrinking, I feel like I am getting better at life:-) Not like Neal Armstrong's first steps on the moon, but damn good steps all the same. And that is all that matters to this cat. I have been finding it easier to keep what is important on my plate, and have not really minded when some of the other shit has been falling off. This typically would have driven me a little nuts, but for some reason I am able to keep the focus on what matters a little more. ("Prioritize and Execute" as Jocko says) I believe that is attributed to what I was yapping about in the last bit. Being present and enjoying what is going on in front of me, rather than worrying about what is going on tomorrow. Whether that is the reason, or not, does not really matter I guess anyways.
In between the last two session we had one of our monthly followup meetings for the BOS Program as well. Although quite different from one another (Private head shrinking and group therapy/head shrinking), they both preach much of the same concepts and tools to deal with things. One major difference is obviously the group dynamic. Perhaps not for everyone, but I must say that it is quite comforting to see that there are other people on the planet that do not have a perfect Facebook life:-) (Caveat to that last sentence. I do not get joy in seeing other people going through shit. Quite the contrary actually.) I say that with the thickest spread of sarcasm imaginable, as no one has a perfect life, although sometimes we let ourselves think that they do. So seeing/hearing other peoples struggles reminds you that what you have going on, is not abnormal, and may I dare say, quite normal a lot of the time. Crazy how you can convince yourself of the opposite. Sometimes it takes reality to punch you right in the kisser by someone explaining their sitch right in front of you, to make you actually believe that other people have got some weight riding on their shoulders as well. And the minute that that takes place, it somehow lightens your load. Or perhaps you now feel like it is being shared. Either way, it is a good feeling. Another added benefit to the group action is having a bunch of people pitch in on how you may be able to sort some shit out. I do not know about you, but I usually like a hand with a bunch of work. I mean you can do it yourself, but I am pretty sure the saying goes, "many hands make light work." So I say, put me in coach! With that being said, there is also the saying, "Too many Chiefs and not enough Indians" as well:) You never know though until you try and you sure as fuck can't win the game while you are standing on the side lines.
Now back to my first couple sentences and to elaborate a little more. This month at work, as is every month, we have some training that is put out by our Training Division. One piece of this was a video that we were to review to help with a rather shitty situation that we all hope to never deal with. But, in our line of work, it is definitely in the cue for some of us unfortunately. Early this year that popped out of the cue for a few of us. We did our utmost with the situation, chatted about it as a group, and took part in the followup mental care that is more structured and provided. All of which worked well for me. I am also a chatty cat (I will say it for ya, "Thanks Captain Fucking Obvious") and have spoken to plenty people about it since then, as I think that it helps digest the frozen turd that we ingested. And don't get me wrong, we signed up to eat that ice cold tube steak of excrement, but that does not make it anymore appetizing. I digress:)
Where I was going with all of this, was this. The play button was hit on the video and during the first scene I found myself feeling pretty fucking "weird", for lack of a better term. There I was sitting in a room, far removed from anything dangerous or stressful, and my body was reacting like "the shit" was going down. Thanks to some of the "mental training" I have done as of late, I did not brush it off, but rather brought it up in session #3 with my head shrinker. After a relatively hard story telling session on my behalf, she got me squared away with what was more than likely going on. Coals notes. We never forget the bad things we see and do in life. Kind of like a not so good tattoo for the most part. It literally becomes part of us. The big part of this though is coming to the realization that that experience is now part of you, and that you can take it, and as hard as it is, find the good in it, and move forward. The trick is, not to have a physiological reaction down the road due to things that remind you of it. You should just be left with the nasty ass memory and the positive ways in which a shitty situation can improve your life. Turns out, in my personal case, I tend to feel guilt if I try to let things go. So with that type of M.O. you tend to never fully get over certain things. Which over time, will start to become damn problematic for obvious reasons. It took my head shrinker a little bit of digging, but that sure as shit is how I roll. Thankfully I have had the opportunity to start down the mental exercising route now, cause I am quite sure the digging my head shrinker has been doing would have required some TNT in the future. It still would have been doable, just a little more challenging per se. Going forward, need to ensure I come to grips that I can honour people and situations by becoming better at what it is that I do, sharing those lessons with others, and that by letting go of everything that I can, does not mean that I am letting anyone down. In fact, it will ensure that I do just the opposite.
Once again, I am hoping that by writing all this crap out, it not only helps you fall asleep tonight, it also touches a few people (Not in a weird way) and sheds some light on all the good that can come from chatting about mental health and getting also in there and exercising the shit out of it as well. On a sad note, we are saying good bye to a friend tomorrow. As I just said, it is next to impossible to find any good in certain situations, this being one of them. But if his passing spurs on conversations and action that save others, he will never be gone. And to me, that is a ray of beautiful light in a pretty dark tunnel.

Until the next sesh,

AJ

Day Numero Deuce

Day two with the magical head shrinker went just as well as day number one. We got rid of a lot of the getting to know you stuff and some of the other formalities that they are legally oblige to go through with you the first day, and therefor got right down to business.

We started off by following up on a few of the items that we had discussed during the previous chit chat and how the past couple weeks had been going. In general, being a little more on top of what is going on during all my interactions actually makes them all considerably more enjoyable. Who would have thought:)

One of the key concepts that have been brought to the forefront during both my sessions here, as well as the few days at the BOS Program, is to be present as much as possible. “Being present” is definitely the most challenging for me, but I feel has a huge return on investment when you start to be more cognizant of it. Sometimes wish it was as easy as putting a bow on your head and waiting for someone to tear your clothes off. But like they say, nothing in life worth doing is ever easy, and the sooner you get that sorted in your head the better off you will be. There have been a few suggestions that have been slid across the table my way to help with this such as a couple breathing techniques and some things you can do with your body to make sure you are in the now. Now, before rolling your eyes, I would suggest that you get in touch with someone, or hell google, and give it a try. A minute or two, hear and there goes a long ways. I have also been blessed to have had a beautiful little gal with my loving better half a couple years ago, and although extremely trying at times, she has had a funny way of helping with the “being in the present/now”.

Among the thousands of gifts my daughter has bestowed upon me during her initial 2 years, the pure joy that can be had in every second of everyday is one of the best. I understand why this changes as you age, as you do have to plan for the future in order to get anywhere in life, but as adults (I use that term extremely lightly with respect to myself) I am beginning to think that the pendulum swings a little too far. Or in my case anyway, it has. This constant gaze into the future is beneficial in the short term to improve productivity and performance, but when you are constantly staring into the telescope you do not experience what is going on around you, and that becomes extremely detrimental to you long term. The same can be said about always dwelling on shit that has happened. You need to briefly look at it, digest it like a piece of bread eaten by someone that suffers from Colitis, take the lessons that can be learned, and move fuck on. No matter how hard you sit there and think about something that has happened, you sure as shit can not call up Doc, jump in your Delorion, and Michael J. Fox the results into something other than what they are.

Another key item that has come out of the closet thus far, is the pretty emotional reaction/response to things that I sometime have. Hey, I am an emotional fella, through and through, but that is no reason to fly off the handle (internally or externally). Quite often it is not warranted when you take a few steps back and see the entire picture, and eventually just creates undo hardship for yourself and those around you. Now this fella/item seems as though it is going to take a little more unpacking, as there are many different reasons why it happens. Wether it be something that I hold dear to my heart that is being threatened in some fashion, I have too much stress in my life and my cup is start to slop all over, or I have not clearly communicated something and the end result is something that is tap dancing on my nerves like the SOB from River Dance. Whatever the root cause, the results are all the same and are typically not beneficial in anyway, shape, or form. As far as sorting this action out, it was brought to my attention that there are “primary emotions”  and “secondary emotions.” The secondary emotions are a result of me not dealing with the primary ones. Fail Johnson:) Good news? That means if I address the primary emotions, good fucking bye secondary emotions! And by cruising through a couple examples with the brains of the operation (Therapist) it became very apparent that I am quite often in control of the situations that start the ball rolling. And ultimately I have complete control over how I react to things. Although sometimes that is like trying to jump on a bullet train as it is speeding by. With that being said, I am working on my foot speed and getting better at catching that sucker:) 

So, as always, it is best to be proactive rather than reactive. Deal yourself a sweet ass hand, rather than play the hand some crappy dealer has dealt, per se. I believe you do this by building strong relationships in your life, both personal and professional. Be humble in those relationships and as open as you possibly can. If it borders on you feeling uncomfortable with the conversation, it is probably the right thing to be chatting about. (Aside from the obvious HR nightmares people:) We as humans were not designed to go at this world and life alone. We are meant to be part of the bigger picture. To interact with each other and connect. To feel love, hate, sadness, and joy. To share those emotions with all those around us. To bring value and give back to the greater good. In order to do that we must foster and constantly build on those relationships in our lives with the understanding that it is ultimately our responsibility to do that. We can always ask for help, but also need to eventually take the first steps, and those afterwards ourselves. 
Meeting with a Phycologist has been great. She challenges me with tough questions that require some gut checking on my behalf to answer. I have no doubt that answering these questions and then analyzing them is going to make things better in all aspects of my life.

I will end with this video. A little off the cuff, but it carries a ton of weight with a profound message. I had the opportunity to be part of a life changing seminar/experience recently, and this was one of the videos that was shown during it. I wanted to share it as it touched me. Not that I am a Veteran, or feel that I have any inkling of what being in a combat situation is like, but I feel that you can draw plenty of parallels to life general.

Until the next sesh,

AJ

Walking the Walk. Fuck the talking.

So I started this blog a number of years ago, as you probably can see if you are so inclined to to check out the dates on previous postings, as a way to share some of my thoughts with those may have been interested. Looking back on it meow, it seems like an extremely self absorbed thing to do, to some degree, but I still think that the underlying concept holds value.
With that being said, I am starting to jot some shit down on here now for a completely different reason, while still holding true to the initial concept from before.
Wether you know it or not, you all probably know at least one person that is having a tough go in respect to mental health and well being. With any luck, they are open with you and you are able to chat about things to help lighten their load perhaps. But more often than not, these discussion never come to fruition, and the individuals that are being weighed down make a valiant attempt at shouldering their load by themselves. Sometimes they are successful, and other times they are not.
Over the past few years, we have seen a spike in the latter unfortunately.
One may be able to blame this on the anti-socialness that is a product of all of todays social media. The lack of human connection that is being driven by the hundreds of platforms out there, that are suppose to help us connect. The attempt to monetize every second of every day, rather than seeing the true value of that time. A general culture that seems to value personal satisfaction and/or gain over the greater good of those around you. The need for everyone to be an individual rather than trying to be part of something bigger than any one individual can ever be. Or a host of other shifts in society that are inadvertently driving us all apart, rather than pulling us together. Although this is all speculative on my behalf, one thing is for certain, we are heading in the wrong direction in regards to mental health.
So all that brings me back to why I have started story telling again. I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to participate in a pilot program a few weeks ago that was put on by Wounded Warriors Canada and our Local. The initial steps of this program include an intake Q&A performed by a Phycologist to see where you are at, and what your expectations are of the training. I had been throwing around the idea to start seeing a Phycologist for a couple months, and it became quite apparent during this chat that it would probably be a good idea:)
Fast forward a couple weeks and I found myself meeting my head shrinker (That is a term of endearment, not criticism) during my first session. I was lucky enough to hit it off with this gal and the shoe fit first try. (Sometimes it takes a couple of goes to find the right person you can chitty chat with, which is normal. Just like making friends. Some people stay as an acquaintance, and others you end up marrying.) Anyhow, it was an enlightening, and more importantly, enjoyable and empowering experience to say the least. While I would not consider myself as suffering any great deal with things, it has become apparent that I do have a couple wild ones on board this flight, and I best learn how to deal with the little fuckers before a whole gang of them get together and high jack the plane.
The process thus far has been painless. Between the BOS Program and my first sit down, I can honestly say I should have got this ball rolling some time ago. (Hindsight is always 20-20, but it is better late than never)
I hope to gain 3 things throughout this ongoing adventure.

1. A personal bench mark of where I am at currently to ensure I stay on the path and do not start wandering too far into the woods. 
2. Education on the mental health side of the house, as well as perspective on life and the stresses that we all face. Both of which I can pass on to friends and colleagues. 
3. Exercise for the hamster on the wheel inside my big nog nog. Those that know me, know that I like to keep in some sort of physical shape, but my hamster may be a little bit of a chunky ass monkey, if you know what I am saying. Just like our bodies, I believe our brains need the same ongoing maintenance to stay on point.

The biggest goal of yapping about the process on here, is to break down the walls that seem to surround people when it comes to their mental health. I hear so much talk from every direction about how we need to "break down the stigma surrounding PTSD* and other mental health issues. Which is undeniably true, but in order to do that we need to risk talking about them, as the results of not talking are too great. 

Like I said previously, I do not think that I suffer any great deal and can not begin to comprehend how someone feels when they feel there is nowhere to turn, but I am a huge believer in the power of the human spirit when it is supported. One of the biggest takeaways that I have received so far is the importance of connection. Real connection with the people around you. One small interaction is all it sometimes takes to nudge someone back on the path. And more importantly, through that one interaction, you make a connection with that person. A connection that could materialize in a phone call if and/or when they need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to bend.

I am going to keep keeping on with this banter until the stories around the kitchen table start to include, "So I was at my head shrinkers on days off and you will never guess what the fuck we ended up chatting about."

If anyone has any questions about how to access things, wants to talk (day/night), needs to come to my place to jack some steel in the garage gym, or anything else I can help with, drop me a line. I always have time for ya. Always, No shit. 403-690-0115

Until my next therapy session,

AJ

*Disorder=dis-order. Things are just out of order. Not permanently fucked up. A new perspective on that term that was brought to my attention during the BOS Program.