This fella was a little trickier than the previous sessions for sure. I will get into that in a bit though. I wanted to start off by saying that between the BOS Program and the one on one head shrinking, I feel like I am getting better at life:-) Not like Neal Armstrong's first steps on the moon, but damn good steps all the same. And that is all that matters to this cat. I have been finding it easier to keep what is important on my plate, and have not really minded when some of the other shit has been falling off. This typically would have driven me a little nuts, but for some reason I am able to keep the focus on what matters a little more. ("Prioritize and Execute" as Jocko says) I believe that is attributed to what I was yapping about in the last bit. Being present and enjoying what is going on in front of me, rather than worrying about what is going on tomorrow. Whether that is the reason, or not, does not really matter I guess anyways.
In between the last two session we had one of our monthly followup meetings for the BOS Program as well. Although quite different from one another (Private head shrinking and group therapy/head shrinking), they both preach much of the same concepts and tools to deal with things. One major difference is obviously the group dynamic. Perhaps not for everyone, but I must say that it is quite comforting to see that there are other people on the planet that do not have a perfect Facebook life:-) (Caveat to that last sentence. I do not get joy in seeing other people going through shit. Quite the contrary actually.) I say that with the thickest spread of sarcasm imaginable, as no one has a perfect life, although sometimes we let ourselves think that they do. So seeing/hearing other peoples struggles reminds you that what you have going on, is not abnormal, and may I dare say, quite normal a lot of the time. Crazy how you can convince yourself of the opposite. Sometimes it takes reality to punch you right in the kisser by someone explaining their sitch right in front of you, to make you actually believe that other people have got some weight riding on their shoulders as well. And the minute that that takes place, it somehow lightens your load. Or perhaps you now feel like it is being shared. Either way, it is a good feeling. Another added benefit to the group action is having a bunch of people pitch in on how you may be able to sort some shit out. I do not know about you, but I usually like a hand with a bunch of work. I mean you can do it yourself, but I am pretty sure the saying goes, "many hands make light work." So I say, put me in coach! With that being said, there is also the saying, "Too many Chiefs and not enough Indians" as well:) You never know though until you try and you sure as fuck can't win the game while you are standing on the side lines.
Now back to my first couple sentences and to elaborate a little more. This month at work, as is every month, we have some training that is put out by our Training Division. One piece of this was a video that we were to review to help with a rather shitty situation that we all hope to never deal with. But, in our line of work, it is definitely in the cue for some of us unfortunately. Early this year that popped out of the cue for a few of us. We did our utmost with the situation, chatted about it as a group, and took part in the followup mental care that is more structured and provided. All of which worked well for me. I am also a chatty cat (I will say it for ya, "Thanks Captain Fucking Obvious") and have spoken to plenty people about it since then, as I think that it helps digest the frozen turd that we ingested. And don't get me wrong, we signed up to eat that ice cold tube steak of excrement, but that does not make it anymore appetizing. I digress:)
Where I was going with all of this, was this. The play button was hit on the video and during the first scene I found myself feeling pretty fucking "weird", for lack of a better term. There I was sitting in a room, far removed from anything dangerous or stressful, and my body was reacting like "the shit" was going down. Thanks to some of the "mental training" I have done as of late, I did not brush it off, but rather brought it up in session #3 with my head shrinker. After a relatively hard story telling session on my behalf, she got me squared away with what was more than likely going on. Coals notes. We never forget the bad things we see and do in life. Kind of like a not so good tattoo for the most part. It literally becomes part of us. The big part of this though is coming to the realization that that experience is now part of you, and that you can take it, and as hard as it is, find the good in it, and move forward. The trick is, not to have a physiological reaction down the road due to things that remind you of it. You should just be left with the nasty ass memory and the positive ways in which a shitty situation can improve your life. Turns out, in my personal case, I tend to feel guilt if I try to let things go. So with that type of M.O. you tend to never fully get over certain things. Which over time, will start to become damn problematic for obvious reasons. It took my head shrinker a little bit of digging, but that sure as shit is how I roll. Thankfully I have had the opportunity to start down the mental exercising route now, cause I am quite sure the digging my head shrinker has been doing would have required some TNT in the future. It still would have been doable, just a little more challenging per se. Going forward, need to ensure I come to grips that I can honour people and situations by becoming better at what it is that I do, sharing those lessons with others, and that by letting go of everything that I can, does not mean that I am letting anyone down. In fact, it will ensure that I do just the opposite.
Once again, I am hoping that by writing all this crap out, it not only helps you fall asleep tonight, it also touches a few people (Not in a weird way) and sheds some light on all the good that can come from chatting about mental health and getting also in there and exercising the shit out of it as well. On a sad note, we are saying good bye to a friend tomorrow. As I just said, it is next to impossible to find any good in certain situations, this being one of them. But if his passing spurs on conversations and action that save others, he will never be gone. And to me, that is a ray of beautiful light in a pretty dark tunnel.
Until the next sesh,
AJ
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